February 2011
33 posts
The Dork Reconquista
There’s a problem with college, I realize. In filtering out all of the goons that were around in high school and sending them to their fates as guys who work in supermarkets, the higher education system has made a fatal mistake - it removed all of the elements that kept dorks in place. Now you have sweaty scrubs wearing Dragonforce t-shirts talking non-stop during entire classes at full...
January 2011
23 posts
First Day of the Semester
How I can’t wait to encapsulate my existence into 1-2 sentences 5 times in a row for the next 8 hours for people that couldn’t possibly care less.
If Worst Comes to Worst
How can that POSSIBLY be the correct phrasing? It makes no sense! It should obviously be if WORSE comes to worst, because that implies a change in the level of bad-ness. It goes from being a bad situation to being the poorest one possible. This makes sense. If WORST came to worst, then, really, wouldn’t everything be the same? That’s like saying maintaining a constant speed means...
Coworkers
Always have the spider-sense to come back into the office RIGHT after you’ve unleashed a noxious gas cloud. It’s uncanny.
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The only thing I don't like...
..About the occasional punch in the face, is that you run the risk of inadvertently biting either tongue or cheek. Which is the situation I’m currently mired in. Got a nice solid wack, usually the mark of good times, but it was ruined by a tongue bite. Now, the problem is compounded by the fact that in biting my tongue, I’ve caused it to become swollen and that has given me a lisp of...
More annoying..
than people bitching about snow, is the mass of people bitching about people bitching about snow. What, are you supposed to be cool? Above all that hoi polloi nonsense? Guess what guy? You’re talking about the same thing, so you’re just as much, if not more, of an asshole. Which of course by extension and logical progression makes me the biggest asshole of all, bitching about the...
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“[To get locked up in Broadmoor Hospital], you don’t need to know how...”
– “Tony,” This American Life, episode 385.
Bad Moon Rising
I find myself seized by the phenomenon known (to myself and presumably no one else,) as The Inescapable Dread of Nothing. As in, I am crippled by dread, my stomach is knotted into a ball, I am starving and the thought of food nauseates me and I couldn’t fall asleep until it was time to get up for work. You know, that old song and dance.
And yet there is no conceivable cause for this bout of...
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“She asked me who it was who first said ‘never say never.’ I told her...”
– David Foster Wallace, Say Never.
The 'Name-Segue' Game
One of my favorite things to do while stewing away at work is combining the names of various ‘famous’ people. For example: Keith David Hyde Pierce Brosnan. Keith David, David Hyde Pierce, Pierce Brosnan. That’s always my go-to for referencing this particular venture of mine. Another one is Jeff George Michael Clarke Duncan Hines Ward. I feel that, for integrity purposes, you...
“If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.”
– Mario Andretti
The Comedic Arc
I find myself generally unable to watch comedies anymore. New ones, I guess. Because they all have the same fucking period of time in the movie wherein two characters get into some conflict about something dumb and it turns all sappy. I started watching Dinner For Schmucks and got grossed out because I imagined the moment wherein Rudd starts to feel bad for Carrell and stops treating him like a...
Either the best of reasons or the very worst
After embarking on a lengthy campaign of boycotting facebook for reasons that were admittedly pretty fuckin’ retarded, I have succumbed and reactivated my account. In my possible defense, the main motivation was playing Family Feud. I think that somewhat mitigates my selling out. Fucking Zuckerberg, man. The dude found a way to get me back.
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Nothing inspires negativity...
…more than positivity.
Am I alone on this? I hope so, cause it’s kind of a shitty way to be. It’s just that, whenever I see people wanking about something, I automatically sort of assume I won’t like it. And while I’m largely able to curb that dark portion of my personality, I definitely have more trouble controlling another, largely connected part.
When I’m...
Good timing is bad timing
I came home yesterday at the same time I always do after work, maybe a little later, and evidently my family hadn’t realized I’d be coming… home (who knew?) because they were at that moment embroiled in a fierce discussion about how much I suck. Of course, they kind of stopped the second I came in the door, and probably (hopefully,) felt a little stupid. Except for my...
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“Julie has told Faye that she believes lovers go through three stages in getting...”
– David Foster Wallace, Little Expressionless Animals
Scotch and Soda
Is there a more bush league drink? What an abomination. If you don’t like the taste of scotch and need it watered down with seltzer, why bother drinking? It’s far more offensive to drink a scotch and soda than, say, a sex on the beach, cause at least that shit doesn’t pretend to not be totally wack.
I don’t want to hear about Winston Churchill, I know that was his drink,...